When I arrived at the airport I had already planned to decline the $25 offer to let the airline take my luggage. I had packed light and my bag would easily fit in the overhead bin. In addition to the luggage offer I was presented with a couple more new options. Would I like to upgrade to first class for only $79 more? A first class upgrade used to be something they did for free if they were overbooked in coach or you asked the gate attendant nicely. I declined this offer.
I was give yet another opportunity to buy Group 1 boarding for only $9 more. There must be some mathematical relationship between the $28 at the time of ticketing and the $9 now that I no longer could get standby or the change fee option. Standby would have been offered for a separate fee had I gotten to the airport sooner and this wasn’t the first flight of the day. I used to book the last flight of the day and intentionally arrive at the airport early to jump on the next flight stand by. This usually worked especially when I had already checked the earlier flights to confirm there were seats available. But now Standby is not an option. I declined the Group 1 boarding option.
Then the screen asked me if I wanted to buy additional frequent flyer miles. For just a few bucks I could double or triple the number of mines that I would receive. Once again there is a mathematical formula that can be used to calculate how much a frequent flyer mile is worth. For me 25,000 miles is worth an airline ticket that I would otherwise pay $250. Therefore one mile equals one penny. I could stretch that to two cents. It does not make sense for me to pay an extra $30 for and extra two thousand miles. There seems to me to be something wrong with that. Frequent flyer miles are a reward for flying frequently. Buying miles is like cheating. I declined that option too.
There may have been another screen of offeres but by this point I was declining all the offers as fast as they popped up. I was determined to get to my seat on the plane with out opening my wallet except for the over priced drink I will be compelled to buy because I cannot carry more than 3 ounces of liquid through security and I am expected to get there an hour before the flight. This combination assures that the restaurants on the other side of the security barrier will be able to recoup revenue from the travelers that was historically earned from all their family members waiting at the gate. The think that most irks me about my airport is the monopoly the Pepsi has. Come on folks, this is Dr. Pepper country and all you have is Pepsi — please.
I’ve made it through security and I have my Diet Pepsi and a bag of peanuts. Those used to be free too. I wait at the gate. I have the option to pay for WiFi internet access. At least the electricity is free. The airport finally wised up to that. It used to be that the power-starved road warriors would scan the walls and pillars for an open electrical outlet to plug their laptop in to get another 30 minutes of life out of the battery before or during the flight. You would see these road warriors sprawled on the floor mainlining the electricity. To make these visitors feel more at home the airport has installed some of their native habitat: cubicles. Now these road warriors can sit in a chair, plug in their laptops, and get some work done in the hour before the flight.
Soon the flight attendant started the pre-pre-boarding process. They helped a couple of people who were in wheel chairs on board along with their attendants. Then the announcement came to invite people traveling with small children to board. This was followed by First Class. Had I paid the premium, I could be boarding now. The next honored boarding slot went to military personnel travelling in uniform. This was then followed by people with high frequent flyer status who apparently had decided not to fly first class. Only then did the fight attendant call for Group 1. I thought group 1 was just code for first class. This was confirmed with they clarified group 1 as rows 2 through 11. What happened to row 1? So had I paid for group 1 boarding I still would have board behind the frequent flyer guy.
After all these people who have boarded we still have not gotten to the normal coach part of the boarding process however I was basically alone in the terminal. Everyone else had scurried down the access ramp. The overhead announcement called for Group 2 which was everyone seated in rows 2 through 20. That still did not include me. Neither did it include anyone else. I felt like I was at the DMV waiting for my number to be called.
After an appropriate delay my group was called. I do not know if there was a group 4 on this flight because I took the hint when she said that all rows could board. I waived my iPhone and the gate and waited for it to beep before proceeding down the ramp. I turned the corner and found the human traffic jam spilling out of the fuselage. I eventually crossed the threshold onto the plane where you feel you are safe from the gantry. I’m not sure why the plan feels safer than the gantry. The flight attendance smiled but gave a slightly apologetic look just before I turned to see the mayhem formally known as first class. Every seat was taken. People were still jockeying for positions and stowing their oversized luggage.
I eventually made it past first class into the coach part of the plane. That’s when it really struct me that all this barrage of upselling have pushed everyone up into first class and had left coach sparely populated. In an ironic twist I ended up with plenty of space to store my bag and stretch my legs. My last thought before take off was to wonder if the pilot had adjusted his trim setting on the wing now that all the weight on the plane had moved to the front.